Decision Dr

Which Point In Time?

A point in time overstates itself

 

unless that point  in time is immemorial.

There is no point in time but there is a point to time.

 

This point in time?

What point is that

 

And what's the point?

Time?

 

Time may be of the essence

but that isn't that the point, is it now?

 

The point of the matter may be time,

but that's not the point either.

 

This may be the time to make a point,

but not that pointless point in time.

 

Why not just now?

 

 

To Have Or To Have Not or Too Typical The Dilemma

I should have

I could have

I might have

I would have

I might not have

I wouldn't have

I couldn't have

I ought not have

If I hadn't

If I had

I should have

If only I did

If only I had

If I didn't

If I did

I could have            and on and on and on, or perhaps it really doesn't matter after all, does it?

Decisions Too Many

I'm a firm believer in natural remedies.

A steady consumer of all, for minor maladies.

The problem it seems is with newsletters that pontificate

On which supplements to help you urinate and deficate.

 

I'd like to suggest, indigestion is the actual culprit

But more likely the pills we take, to feel fit.

One publication I know, poses solutions to lower bad lipids.

It suggests green tea, Vitamin E, bee pollen and various gugulipids.

 

We need not question that this newsletter should suggest

That we buy coenzyme Q10, picolinates and lecithin to ingest.

But the effects of such mixtures are yet somewhat mysterious

Shouldn't we worry, that they might be injurious?

 

Besides, we can hardly consume all they advise

But how do we decide which combination is most wise?

The problem is magnified by the need for other homeopathies

For cancer, hypertension, arthritis, and other ideopathies.

 

For if we add to the regimen, a unique vitamin mixture

Can you imagine how that may change our health picture?

We would spend all day consuming these for our tummies

And more likely become hypochrondriacal rummies.

 

 

 

No Consideration

There are many who suffer indecision

They're subject to considerable derision

By those quick to judge

Refusing to budge

Who themselves lack any introspection.

Our Career Choice May Be Full Of Many Decisions

During the course of my career, practicing family and individual therapy I've often looked inwardly and asked myself the question, will there ever be a time when I choose to retire? I've also asked, must I ask the question at all? Each of you reading this, perhaps have pondered that question one time or another, regardless of your profession. As we age, the question may provoke considerable contemplation as we examine, analyze, and plan what our path should be. As a mental health professional,If you've never done so yet, why not take some time to examine the various stages of your theoretical and clinical development beginning with your initial professional experiences and how they have evolved through the years through today. Even if you've been in practice for only a year, you'll recognize even modest changes in your clinical practices. Naturally, the more years you've accrued, the more complex your theoretical and clinical challenge. Assuming you've not rested on the laurels of positive clinical outcomes, it is hoped that you've continued to hone your skills, given the vast body of newer theoretical constructs, and provocative clinical models. Take a moment, if you will, and note the changes in your clinical practice over a period of twenty years. If its been only five years and you've "kept up", don't be surprised how much you've learned and the effects upon your clients. There's no need to fear the many decisions that present themselves as you and your client struggle through the clinical process. And should you be entering the twilight years of your practice, heed your own mindfulness, reach down into the depths of your consciousness, not as a culmination of all you have learned, but challenge yourself, and call forth new insights. Without egoism, allow yourself the pleasure of helping a new client gain their own insight into a dilemna that may not have been readily solved at the early dawn of your career. Like the aging of a fine wine, may your skills evolve to the degree at which time you feel ready to savor the epitome of all that you have gained through the years.

"CONTROL YOURSELF"

"CONTROL YOURSELF"

 

How often have you heard that admonition above from parents, relatives, brothers and sisters, friends, teachers, and on and on, infinitum? The title above is generally used to change your behavior in order to satisfy the critic warning you. 

Now who's doing the controlling?

 

If you've read my book "Overcoming Indecision" you very likely came across my chapter on "Control". In several of my couples "Decision" groups, one of the common themes' in marital discord, were issues beyond "who wears the pants". Below are several examples of 'control' conflicts that couples frequently struggle with.

 

1.   Since you're not working, why can't you keep the house clean like Linda next door?

2.   We always go to the restaurant you like!

3.   Must you watch every game?

4.   Why must I always ask you about having sex?

5.   Before I married you, I had orgasms with other men all the time!

6.   You're getting fat!

7.   We always do it your way (and it follows) That's because you're always screwing things up!

8.   My brother will live with us until he can afford an apartment.

9.   Since you're not so swift paying the bills, I'll take over the payrnent of the bills.

10. I'm sick and tired of you "controlling" me!

11. You're spending too much money on your hair.

12.  I'll handle the money,

13.  We can't spend money on a baby sitter.

14.    You're not driving the new car.

15.    I'm getting a new laptop. You can wait.

 

While there are no easy solutions to the conflicts I've seen arise in my groups, what has been most helpful for the participating individuals, has been their recognition and growing awareness of the responsibility that each shares in creating and maintaining what I would describe as "grownup childish behavior".  

 

Why not join me in Sacramento, for my next couples workshop and discover new positive solutions to self-defeating behaviors?

 

 

 

You Needn't Cry Over Spilled Milk

How often have you heard yourself or others exclaim: " If only I hadn't done that" or "sometimes I'm so stupid," or " I should have known better" or "I always make the wrong choices"?

In many of my "Decision" workshops, any one of the exclamations noted above has been all too familiar a refrain by the participants. Take a moment and think back to your childhood. Were any of you untouched by the too typical refrain from a parent. "There you did it again," or "Next time, think before you act", or "Why must you be so clumsy?" or " You need to take a lesson from your sister (brother)".

Unfortunately, we take many of these statements to heart and carry the attitude expressed by our parent into adulthood. For many of us, we've failed to realize that our parents were far from models of virtue when it came to making the "right" decision when they were children, and their parents as well, and on and on through generations as far back as the beginning of families. Regardless, is there such a thing as a right or wrong decision?

The bottom line is that we are all as imperfect as the next person. Take the time to examine the ramifications of any decision you made, conscious or unconscious, and ask yourself what you learned. Whether it was a major or minor decision, with a negative or positive outcome, how were you affected? Also, how did it influence subsequent decisions you made? Did you wonder when you asked yourself: " What if I chose the other decision?"  You'd never know would you? Think about it.

Beyond Decisions June 27,2010

Let's examine a habit that most of us have, that we could change, but don't take the trouble to do so. One might say it's about decision making but more than that.
I'm talking about the faulty way by which we communicate. Here's a familiar example.

HE: Let's go out for dinner tonight.
SHE: We went out last night.
HE: So what?
SHE: We've already gone over our food budget for the month.
HE: But you don't like cooking.
SHE: But you always complain about my cooking anyway.
HE: Then why don't you learn to cook so I'll enjoy your cooking.
SHE: How do think that makes me feel?
HE: No worse than I do.
SHE: You're always complaining.
HE: And how about you?
SHE: I never get any appreciation from you.

Let's stop here before this dialogue gets more hideous and mutually destructive. Note how an apparently innocent suggestion reflects a deeper issue that characterizes, in part, the dysfunctional nature of this couple's relationship.

How about this example?

HE: Let's go out for dinner tonight.
SHE: I'd love to but the budget we worked on together will put us into a hole this month.
HE: It's really frustrating.
SHE: You bet it is! But I have suggestion and I'd like your opinion.
HE: I'm all ears.
SHE: You'll agree that the major reason we eat out so much anyway is that you you don't like my cooking and can't tolerate frozen dinners(nor can I, as you know)
HE: And that makes me feel guilty as hell.
SHE: But what if we prepared a dish together, say two or three times a week? Then we obviously can't blame one another.
HE: We have nothing to lose by trying.
SHE: But what about tonight?
HE: Can we afford a takeout pizza?

So What If You Made The Wrong Decision, Or Was It Wrong?

How often have you admonished yourself for making a decision that turned sour? Quite frequently for most of us. Yet what did you gain? Not much I would say. You likely would have said something like the following: " I should have made a different decision" or "I shouldn't have made any decision". Regardless of the significance of the decision, one way or the other, it likely wouldn't have made much of a difference in the course of your life. If anything, you may have learned something that would help make like decisions later that would turn out more positively. 

In my work with couples seeking marital separation, or divorce I have frequently heard self-recriminations from either person, such as " I knew I was making the wrong decision in the first place, since our likes and dislikes were so different from one another" or, "She/he had habits I thought I could change" or, " I thought I could convince him to have more than one child", or, " He/she wanted to control all of the finances", or" I thought I could accept her children from the previous marriage,"

Regardless of the reasons, my counseling approach has included educating the couple towards accepting their original decision to marry, based upon the positive factors that attracted them to one another in the first place.I help them to understand that people do change, needs change, unforseen circumstances occur, and so the drift apart may not be as extraordinary as they thought. The pain, sadness, depression, and anger may still linger but they are helped to understand that there can be happiness, growth, and richer life ahead, should they decide to separate, divorce, or attempt to stay together after all. Who is to say that there is a right or wrong decision?

You Don't Always Have To Decide But Don't Wait Too Long.

There are times when your life is so packed with a potpourri of possible decisions, it's possible that you can drive yourself into a dreadful stressful state of affairs. I'm reminded of a client( let's call him Bud) I once treated for frequent panic attacks. There didn't seem to be any known precipitating factors that would bring them on. What struck me as unusual was the fact that this gentleman appeared to achieve most of the goals he had laid out for himself. Oddly enough, was the fact that he complained of never having any challenges in his life.

Indeed, from my perspective at least, his life appeared quite boring. In fact, our sessions were characterized by tedious monologues regarding sameness from day to day. He expressed little excitement about his job, the women he dated, his recreational activities, and even the food he ate. While he did not appear depressed, nor did he disclose any depression, his feelings of emptiness became associated with the panic attacks.

Only when we began to explore actions he had previously avoided out of fear, such as backpacking alone in the Sierra wilderness, asserting himself more with both men and women, and taking piano lessons he had assiduously avoided, he began to feel fearful but ironically ceased having panic attacks. He soon realized how often he was caught up in the mundane and thus embarked on a new path for himself. You don't have to have a panic attack in order to take a similar path.

Yes "Butting" or Excuses, Excuses!

Does the title of this article sound familiar? It should----since most of us, at one time or another,assume that attitude when at a crossroad and unable to move forward. In other words, we feel stuck. Let's examine an all too familiar one that many individuals face today. 

You're dismissed from a job you've held with one company for ten years, as a software analyst. You've been asked to clean out your desk, given a hand shake and a somewhat adequate severance pay that will hold you for perhaps six months. (That is, if you're lucky) Ha!

It's so easy to feel negative and realistically depressed, given the state of our economy today.

Networking as a means to explore other positions "ain't what it used to be" you'll agree.Yet you wisely call on friends, colleagues, and various other contacts, but to avail. Any suggestion by well-meaning individuals to begin "thinking outside the box" is met with derision by you. And no wonder. The expression has become somewhat hackneyed. Yet, it wouldn't hurt to begin a bit of soul searching and consider a wide array of possibilities. Let's try to be positive and ignore the title of this article, shall we?

1. I can begin to explore related or even remotely related possibilities such as technical           writing either related or unrelated to software design.

2. What other means for making a living have I thought about,various times in the past?

3. What have I fantasized about, but dismissed as being too outlandish?

4.  Is there anything I've thought about recently that I've never thought about before?

5.  Is there a hobby I have that may be developed into a small business, even temporary.(photography).

6. How could I use the internet to develop a consultancy, not necessarily related to computers?

I've given you a beginning which I hope you wont have to face. But who knows, It could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. Call me if you wish to pursue this further.