How often have you admonished yourself for making a decision that turned sour? Quite frequently for most of us. Yet what did you gain? Not much I would say. You likely would have said something like the following: " I should have made a different decision" or "I shouldn't have made any decision". Regardless of the significance of the decision, one way or the other, it likely wouldn't have made much of a difference in the course of your life. If anything, you may have learned something that would help make like decisions later that would turn out more positively.
In my work with couples seeking marital separation, or divorce I have frequently heard self-recriminations from either person, such as " I knew I was making the wrong decision in the first place, since our likes and dislikes were so different from one another" or, "She/he had habits I thought I could change" or, " I thought I could convince him to have more than one child", or, " He/she wanted to control all of the finances", or" I thought I could accept her children from the previous marriage,"
Regardless of the reasons, my counseling approach has included educating the couple towards accepting their original decision to marry, based upon the positive factors that attracted them to one another in the first place.I help them to understand that people do change, needs change, unforseen circumstances occur, and so the drift apart may not be as extraordinary as they thought. The pain, sadness, depression, and anger may still linger but they are helped to understand that there can be happiness, growth, and richer life ahead, should they decide to separate, divorce, or attempt to stay together after all. Who is to say that there is a right or wrong decision?
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