Decision Dr

To Have Or To Have Not or Too Typical The Dilemma

I should have

I could have

I might have

I would have

I might not have

I wouldn't have

I couldn't have

I ought not have

If I hadn't

If I had

I should have

If only I did

If only I had

If I didn't

If I did

I could have            and on and on and on, or perhaps it really doesn't matter after all, does it?

You Needn't Cry Over Spilled Milk

How often have you heard yourself or others exclaim: " If only I hadn't done that" or "sometimes I'm so stupid," or " I should have known better" or "I always make the wrong choices"?

In many of my "Decision" workshops, any one of the exclamations noted above has been all too familiar a refrain by the participants. Take a moment and think back to your childhood. Were any of you untouched by the too typical refrain from a parent. "There you did it again," or "Next time, think before you act", or "Why must you be so clumsy?" or " You need to take a lesson from your sister (brother)".

Unfortunately, we take many of these statements to heart and carry the attitude expressed by our parent into adulthood. For many of us, we've failed to realize that our parents were far from models of virtue when it came to making the "right" decision when they were children, and their parents as well, and on and on through generations as far back as the beginning of families. Regardless, is there such a thing as a right or wrong decision?

The bottom line is that we are all as imperfect as the next person. Take the time to examine the ramifications of any decision you made, conscious or unconscious, and ask yourself what you learned. Whether it was a major or minor decision, with a negative or positive outcome, how were you affected? Also, how did it influence subsequent decisions you made? Did you wonder when you asked yourself: " What if I chose the other decision?"  You'd never know would you? Think about it.

Yes "Butting" or Excuses, Excuses!

Does the title of this article sound familiar? It should----since most of us, at one time or another,assume that attitude when at a crossroad and unable to move forward. In other words, we feel stuck. Let's examine an all too familiar one that many individuals face today. 

You're dismissed from a job you've held with one company for ten years, as a software analyst. You've been asked to clean out your desk, given a hand shake and a somewhat adequate severance pay that will hold you for perhaps six months. (That is, if you're lucky) Ha!

It's so easy to feel negative and realistically depressed, given the state of our economy today.

Networking as a means to explore other positions "ain't what it used to be" you'll agree.Yet you wisely call on friends, colleagues, and various other contacts, but to avail. Any suggestion by well-meaning individuals to begin "thinking outside the box" is met with derision by you. And no wonder. The expression has become somewhat hackneyed. Yet, it wouldn't hurt to begin a bit of soul searching and consider a wide array of possibilities. Let's try to be positive and ignore the title of this article, shall we?

1. I can begin to explore related or even remotely related possibilities such as technical           writing either related or unrelated to software design.

2. What other means for making a living have I thought about,various times in the past?

3. What have I fantasized about, but dismissed as being too outlandish?

4.  Is there anything I've thought about recently that I've never thought about before?

5.  Is there a hobby I have that may be developed into a small business, even temporary.(photography).

6. How could I use the internet to develop a consultancy, not necessarily related to computers?

I've given you a beginning which I hope you wont have to face. But who knows, It could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. Call me if you wish to pursue this further.

Divorce----Should I Or Shouldn't I? Another Glance At Indecision.

The ramifications of divorce are taking on even greater significance as we've reached  2010. The state of the economy, home foreclosures,unemployment, and the issue of health care for all, represent a myriad of factors that influence the decision to keep a marital relationship intact, regardless of the mutual suffering, or the decision to "call it quits".

Though not a participant in one of my "decision" workshops, at first, Hank sought assistance from me regarding the dilemma he was battling regarding his marriage. Married for twenty years, he came to the realization that at age fifty he was bored with his wife, his marriage, and life in general. While both he and his wife were receiving couples counseling from another therapist. he decided to attend one of my weekly workshops. His indecisiveness regarding the outcome of his marriage, revealed more than the growing mismatch of their relationship, as other group members agreed that Hank's "angst" was more a matter of the realization that he was beginning to face his mortality for the first time in his life.

Following further meetings, with both me and other group members, Hank began to gradually realize that his confusion, despair, and struggle with his depression were more closely related to the realization that he had no idea of the meaning of his life, that went beyond a marital relationship. He began to feel that he needed to explore other elements in his life such as his spiritual beliefs, personal passions related to unfulfilled goals that he had disregarded, and the quest for newer adventures.

Interestingly, his spouse, we learned, was on her renewed journey which unsurprisingly began to bring them closer. We continued to focus on his personal issues for the next several months when he decided it was time for him to move on and concentrate on his marital relationship and discovering  "who I am".

Can any of you identify with some of the elements which Hank began to recognize, and perhaps continue your own journey?

Don't Retire! Re-fire!

So you've decided to retire. Have you asked yourself, what does that mean? How about the following pertinent questions?

1. Am I tired of working?

2. Am I bored with my career?

3. What will I do with my time?

4. Do I want to begin a new career?

5. Do I wish to do the things I always wanted to do but always gave myself excuses not too?

6. Is retiring my decision or someone else's?

7. Will I have any regrets if I retire?

8. What if we discover, we miss working at our career?

9. Did I prepare myself, financially,psychologically, and realistically?

10. What other considerations have I left out?

So you thought this would be easy, huh? Well, for many of us it isn't. It's probably one of the most significant decisions we need to make in our lifetime. Unfortunately, too many folks rarely give it much thought, particularly when they're younger. Consider for a moment if it's too early, even if we're in our thirties.

Naturally, you don't have to obsess about it and  let it distract you from the other enjoyable things you're doing.

Have you noticed that as we age, time seems to move so quickly? If you're in your twilight years now,

you know what I'm talking about. Indeed, there's no easy answer to the question I've raised. But are you now able to begin addressing the questions I've put forward to you? Forget your age for the moment and ask yourself when you should ignite your flame.

To Go Where You've Never Gone Before

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to wake up one morning and discover you were somewhere else? It would be a bit scary, wouldn't you say? You would be overwhelmed not only by he fact that you were transported elsewhere, but also by the reality of the new location. Such an event is all fantasy, of course, yet a good many people live their lives as if such would occur even if they were to take even the most minor risks.

 I know some folks who always vacation in the same location every summer, not because they necessarily enjoy doing so, year after year, but because they're actually afraid to venture elsewhere.If you were ask them why they do so, the likelihood is that they would say it's out of habit. In fact, some might not even recognize that they're afraid of the change, but try to encourage them to try something new next summer and you'll probably be greeted with considerable protestations of defensiveness and rationalizations. It's as if they need to insulate themselves from what they they perceive as some sort of threat to their being.

It's not always a matter of change of scenery either, because these same people typically follow all sorts of routines in the same rigid manner----from eating bacon and eggs every morning, to watching television every night. Of course, there's nothing wrong with doing what you enjoy or what you're comfortable with, but when it's taken to the extent that you begin avoiding new experiences out of fear or denial, you deprive yourself of potential richness in your life.

So what are some of the specific excuses for this so-called inability to go where you have never gone before? Here are a few of the more typical ones.

1. I feel safe and secure when I follow the same routine.

2. I don't want to allow myself too much pleasure for fear that I may lose it some day.

3. I don't feel prepared to take on new things.

4. I may fail.

5. What if I get nothing out of it?

6. I don't feel capable.

7. Why spoil something that I already have?

8. It's all too much trouble.

You may likely have a few choice excuses of your own, but like so many of the reasons for indecision that I've addressed in previous writings, there's always a common denominator. While fear appears the likely culprit, there's more to it than just that. It's a lack of trust or confidence in oneself.

This sounds like an oversimplification, doesn't it?? Well, it is and isn't. First of all, you know as well as i do that when you're feeling pretty good about yourself, you're ready to take on just about anything and think little of the obstacles to such undertakings. In fact, what you may have put off doing earlier, while you weren't feeling particularly good about yourself, you take on with zest, even if it's a bit risky. However, if you're feeling somewhat out of sorts, a little down, or just plain depressed, you're likely to resist something you know you were able to do with ease a previous time.

What we discover here is that our mood is related to our self-confidence, or lack thereof. A change in mood and a shift in confidence is all it takes for fear to enter the picture and before we know it, we're immobilized------and some of us remain fixed in this holding pattern where our fear, lack of self-trust, and phase of depression (each feeding off the other) prevent any substantial effort towards a new realm.. Understanding the complexity of of all this isn't as important as merely recognizing and being aware of it.

There are two ways to pull out of this frame of mind. One is the "Band-Aid" approach: just realize realize that and accept the fact that change may be risky and success won't always be a given. If you think you can live with the possible pain, then rip that Band-Aid off! (Or jump into your "risky" decision !) But as those of you reading this are slightly less adventurous, we'll take a look at another approach. I call it active confrontation.

With active confrontation you must first identify the source of your immobilization. Is it something that stems from your childhood or is something you first experienced as an adult? It's important that that you not censor your thoughts now because the more more you are willing to to acknowledge your fears (as embarrassing or frightening as they may be), the closer you'll get to your desired goal. If you find that that the source of you immobilization is a pattern, search for the underlying theme. For instance, you may notice a consistent lack of control in your life or a sense of inactivity. You may notice a lack of self-development and creative engagement with life in general. Underlining all this, may be lingering feelings of regret, depression, and anger. To understand all this, try taking a a closer look at what's keeping you in such a frame of mind. Try the following exercise:

 

CONFRONT YOUR IMMOBILIZER

1. Think of risk that you'd like to take: (Example: You would like to travel to a foreign country}

2. Next, write down what fear you have that's thus far prevented you from taking said risk.

3. Then try to take a further look into that surfaced reason. (Example: You have seen unflattering depictions of the desired country to visit on television)

4. And then again. (Example: Not having traveled much, you can't help but believe what others present to you).

5. And again. (Example: You come to realize that perhaps you depend too much on what other people say concerning your desires.)

And again--- until you've come to a place where you can begin to recognize where your fears come from, making you that much more open for change. (Example: You decide to do your own research on travel and if it means that much to you, you'll take the risk, regardless of the outcome, because at least it will be a self-made decision rather than one dictated by the views of others. ) Finally, you may find that this underlying immobilizer plays a much larger role in your life than you initially realized. Turn again to more desires and see how, in similar terms, the outcome can possibly shift in your favor.

Once you've managed this( though I don't expect you to have completely uncovered all the reasons for your immobilization, as that can be a lengthy task), then you can begin to to practice taking small risks. If you feel more comfortable in repeating risky adventures that you've done before, go ahead and do that as a warm up, although I do hope that would merely be a jumping- off point Once you feel  comfortable in your ability to take small risks and down the road you've come to a greater understanding of your immobilization then you can move onto greater and more long-term risks. (For a more thorough discussion of this topic, the reader is advised to read my book: OVERCOMING INDECISION---TOOLS FOR EASIER DECISION MAKING.)

We Need Not Follow Murphy's Law

Most of you should be familiar with the admonition: "If anything can go wrong ,it will". The saying tends to strike a familiar chord as it's a means by which we try to handle negative experiences, softening any feelings of failure. Since none of us are immune to failure, it also keeps us on our toes: "If anything can go wrong, it will. if anything can go wrong, it will. So let's make sure it doesn't". If taken too seriously, though, we run the risk of indoctrinating ourselves with too much negativism or cynicism, setting ourselves up for failure after failure. 

As I see it, we're more likely to succeed than fail in our typical actions. Like the old Johnny mercer song, we need to "accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative". Let's give more attention to our successful decisions and not dwellnon those that fall short. Do you ever hear yourself saying any of the following?

 1.    I always screw up!

2.    Can't I ever get things right?

3.    I don't deserve success.

4.    Happiness is always for others.

5.    I'm such a failure!

What we have here here is an attitude that sets us up for failure. Whether we learned it in our childhood, or learned it over the years, it's certainly an attitude that needs to be revised. When we perceive ourselves as failures, or always imagine that we'll fail, we actually create what I would describe as a mental environment that guarantees continued failure. Allow me to provide an example.

Pat was chronically depressed about his relationship failures, his frequent job changes, his financial burdens, and about all the little things that "never seem to go right". He thought of himself as a "mess" and had never before sought counseling. Although he recognized his need for change, he continually set himself up for rejection during group sessions, due to his incessant negative attitude towards himself, others and life in general. He thus solidified his original perspective by alienating the other participants.

After some coaxing, Pat began to to recognize  what he had been doing to himself, and soon felt compelled to take personal responsibility for his actions and attitudes. He no longer wanted to blame external forces. Strange as it may seem, he had difficulty admitting his former achievements, but upon hearing his own criticisms towards others who themselves ignored the positive aspects of their lives, realized his own misconceptions and began to laugh at himself and not take life as seriously as he had.

Please don't jump to the conclusion that the changes in Pat occurred spontaneously. It took s strong desire, the courage to to listen to others, and the willingness to to let go of of solid misperceptions. The group process was ideal for Pat because it provided a mirror through which he could gain a new perspective. This is often a useful tool. If you find other individuals negativity unattractive, think of how it may look on you.

Divorce----Should I Or Shouldn't I? Another Glance At Indecision.

The ramifications of divorce are taking on even greater significance as we near 2010. The state of the economy, home foreclosures,unemployment, and the issue of health care for all, represent a myriad of factors that influence the decision to keep a marital relationship intact, regardless of the mutual suffering, or the decision to "call it quits".

Though not a participant in one of my "decision" workshops, at first, Hank sought assistance from me regarding the dilemma he was battling regarding his marriage. Married for twenty years, he came to the realization that at age fifty he was bored with his wife, his marriage, and life in general. While both he and his wife were receiving couples counseling from another therapist. he decided to attend one of my weekly workshops. His indecisiveness regarding the outcome of his marriage, revealed more than the growing mismatch of their relationship, as other group members agreed that Hank's "angst" was more a matter of the realization that he was beginning to face his mortality for the first time in his life.

Following further meetings, with both me and other group members, Hank began to gradually realize that his confusion, despair, and struggle with his depression were more closely related to the realization that he had no idea of the meaning of his life, that went beyond a marital relationship. He began to feel that he needed to explore other elements in his life such as his spiritual beliefs, personal passions related to unfulfilled goals that he had disregarded, and the quest for newer adventures.

Interestingly, his spouse, we learned, was on her renewed journey which unsurprisingly began to bring them closer. We continued to focus on his personal issues for the next several months when he decided it was time for him to move on and concentrate on his marital relationship and discovering  "who I am".

Can any of you identify with some of the elements which Hank began to recognize, and perhaps continue your own journey?

An Intention Does Not A Decision Make

 You may have heard it said that some people "can't see the forest through the trees". In other words. do you have trouble seeing the big picture? In terms of decision making, do you have difficulty making a series of related decisions that will eventually result in accomplishing a major life goal? It's as if the "forest" represents a dense obstacle to a fervent desire. You get overwhelmed with even the thought of trying to make it through the thicket. But consider for a moment, moving through the tall spires---one by one---and you'll be surprised at how quickly you can get through the forest.

If you make the commitment to first honor your initial intention and then follow through with the decision, you'll be paying attention to the both the trees and forest simultaneously. Even though there may be no  immediate reward like passing tree after tree, waiting for a stream of sunlight to break through the shade, you can eventually reach your goal.

Here are some examples of intentions that ultimately can merge into decisions.

1. Making a series of successive decisions that involve forcing yourself to save money in order to make a down payment on a house.

2. Taking a series of classes, making a commitment to each one, in order to earn a college degree.

3. Establishing a goal to arise each morning at 5:00, to fulfill your goal of writing your first novel.

4. Taking piano lessons (and practicing each evening  in order to play for your own enjoyment and or the enjoyment of others.

5. Making it a practice of surfing the web each evening in order to discover what job opportunities may be on the market in your home town.

Beginning is a matter of motivation and the best way to get motivated is to begin at the beginning.

Catastrophizing Can Be Metastisizing

The late Albert Ellis, one of the foremost psychologists of the 20th century, coined the word "catastrophizing" to describe how many individuals, who suffer a mishap or experience or some other negative event in their lives, distort or generalize the experience to catergorize negatively all else in their lives.

Here are several i've heard expressed by individuals who've taken my workshops or whom I've counseled in the past.

•  Whenever I try to do something different, I fail at it.

•  I'm so fat, I'll never lose weight.

•  I can't live up to what my spouse expects of me.

•  I'm afraid if I don't marry him, I'll never find a man who would.

•  If only I were more attractive men would like me.

•  My mother is so demanding of me I never have time for myself.